As we evolve, many of us are now questioning when we are angry or upset with someone, “Is it really them? Am I mad at them or am I really mad at someone else - myself, my dad, my mom, etc.?” Mentally, we can think to ourselves, “of course it’s not them.” Especially if we consider ourselves “enlightened” then the internal conversation might become, “I am above that, I shouldn’t make it about them when I know better.” And yet, every cell in our body says, “YES it’s them!”
So what to do?
One of the most valuable things my mentor, Betty Cannon, Ph.D., taught me was that the first step to working through any emotion is to feel what it’s like in your body:
What’s constricted?
Do you have a headache?
Shoulders slumping?
Nausea?
Lump in your throat?
I added on to this and asked myself where is it on a scale of 1-10? If it had a color what would it be? A texture? Maybe an image?
Instead of resisting the anger, I now try inviting it in. Sometimes I even imagine my inner world as one big party and anger is knocking at the door saying, “I want in! It’s not fair that everyone else gets to come in but me! Why are you leaving me out? I’m tired and I need a drink! I even brought a side dish!” My first reaction for decades when anger came to the door was to shut it tightly, use three deadbolts, turn up the music, get a drink, and pretend I couldn’t hear the knocking. And yet there was part of me that always knew SHE, the angry one, was out there. Waiting. Getting angrier and feeling more alone.
The truth was, I was both afraid and ashamed of her. I was afraid that if I invited her in, she would become out of control, start brawls, break windows, burn the place down. Who knows what she would be capable of if she was really let loose? I was deeply terrified to find out. Somewhere in the past I had let her loose and it did not go well and I vowed never to go there again.
And then there is the shame. It often goes like this, “I shouldn’t be so angry, it’s not what good girls do” or “what’s the matter with you, can’t you just do everything perfectly so that you are never angry? This is all your fault you idiot!” or “that person that I am mad at is justified in what they did to me, I deserve it.” Such fun being human! Such a joy dealing with shame! Actually, Brene Brown, who has wonderful definitions of shame, says something to the effect that true joy (or wholehearted living as she calls it) is only possible when we shed light on our shame. Or maybe, said another way, when we invite it to the party instead of bolting the door.
Point is, next time you find your body wracked with anger, consider inviting it in. Consider opening the door and saying, “okay, come on in, what do you need? Coffee? A drink? A hug?” Sometimes, when I invite anger in, all it says is, “you know, I just want to sit here on the couch, I don’t need anything, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to be in the space, to know that I am okay and included.”
The majority of the time, this practice of inviting the unwanted emotion in brings me immediate relief that I can feel in my body. My stomach releases, my shoulders let go of their tension. And there are times when I actually experience happiness, knowing that my “guest” is taken care of and I can tend to the rest of the party and possibly strike up a conversation with the other parts of me-my joy, my creativity, or my power.