3 Things Not to Say to Someone Going Through Divorce

As someone who works with people going through divorce, I have learned a few things from them about what’s not helpful. They probably aren't telling you because they know you mean well and that you care. So I will tell you:

“You need to get out more, be social, do things...start dating again.” No, they don’t. They don’t “need” to be doing anything. And the pressure you are putting on them to do things they don’t want to do on top of just being able to simply function day-to-day and figure out what they need to do to take basic care of themselves can be overwhelming and anything but helpful. They already have in their own minds a list of things they “should” be doing that they are not and are most likely beating themselves up for it. Any advice, in general, is a bad idea. Don’t do it. Unless solicited, keep it to yourself. Feedback from my clients has taught me that, no matter how well intended, when you give a person going through divorce unsolicited advice, they want to scream. And by all means, don’t suggest online dating services. You have no idea how confronting, depressing, and terrifying the idea of going online again and sifting through the dating apps can be at this point. They are not ready. When they are, you will know.

What IS helpful: Ask questions. “How can I help?” “What do you need from me?” “What would really take care of you right now?”  The important part is to realize that they may or may not know the answer to these questions, and let that be okay; figuring out how to truly take care of themselves is actually an important part of the process.

“You’ll get through it.” Yes, they will. And, in the moment they are going through it, it truly doesn’t seem like it so please don’t say it. There is, maybe for the first time in their lives, the thought, “What if I can’t get through this? What if this takes me out? What if I can never function normally again?” This can be frightening. Especially if they have always known themselves to be a strong, capable person. In an age where more than half of us go through divorce and sometimes 2 or 3 times, it does seem easy to say, “...oh, it will pass, you’ll be fine, I got through it too.” Yet, this only further diminishes the experience and, ironically, can leave the person feeling more isolated and like no one gets what they are really going through or ashamed that they aren’t getting through it more gracefully or quickly.

Also, it’s important to consider that often divorce can trigger unconscious stuff about everything from what went on in our own families and traumas we never dealt with to shaking our core beliefs about who we are and what life means to us. You have no idea what might have gotten triggered and the stuff that triggered you might not be the same stuff that triggered them, so you may have no idea what it is they are trying to “get through.”

What IS helpful: Acknowledge their reality. “I know that there doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel and I know I can’t speed that up or force light in there. What I can offer is making sure you know you are not alone and I am here with you and I’m going to keep checking in.” Ask questions. “What was that like for you?” “How did you handle that?” “When that happened to me I felt___________. Is that how you felt?”

Okay, one more...

Nothing. Please don’t do this either. This can hurt the most. So many divorced people I talk with say that one of the most painful things is that when they were going through their divorce, their friends or family disappeared. Stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped inviting. I realize that after the list of things above, you may think to yourself, “Well now I’m afraid to say anything because I might say the wrong thing!” I get it. And please don’t do this. One brilliant thing you can say is exactly what you’re thinking: “I don’t know what to say and I’m afraid I might say the wrong thing and it might not be helpful and I want you to know I’m here, I am thinking about you, and I haven’t gone away.” Reach out. Keep inviting. Even if all of your invitations are turned down, it matters. It makes a difference. An invitation that does not make the person feel bad if they decline could look like: “No obligation to accept this invite as I know you may not be in the mood and taking care of yourself is the priority, and if you want, feel free to meet us at the cafe, even if you are not feeling very social and don’t want to talk a lot and want to just sit there. If you don’t respond to this invite or don’t show up that’s perfectly understandable and I won’t be offended. Just know that I am thinking about you and if that’s okay with you, am going to continue inviting you places even if you don’t accept.”

If you realize you have done any of these things above, especially the “nothing” one, it is NEVER too late to clean this up. I have had clients that years later a friend calls, invites them to coffee, and apologizes for disappearing or saying unhelpful, possibly judgmental, things during their divorce. This can be cathartic for both and bring a tremendous sense of completion. When the divorced person finds out the real reason why you avoided them (that it wasn’t about choosing sides and choosing their spouse over them, you just didn’t know what to say) or judged them (because I was being a jackass and had stuff going on in my own relationship I didn’t know how to deal with), it can be like a weight lifted off their shoulders and yours. Give it a try. If you don’t have any relationship right now anyway, what have you got to lose?

Shannon M Harrison is a therapist who works with people going through divorce from pre-filing to having been divorced many years. Support groups and individual counseling available as well as online options. shannonmharrison.com or email shannon@shannonhmharrison.com

THE QUESTION OF BOUNDARIES PART 2

This is a continuation on the conversation about boundaries. Drawing boundaries is a bad idea. From an AEP perspective, this is the kind of decision we make when we are young that we don't even realize we have made. And it runs us.

This how the AEP method can play out:

There was a time when we were very young where we may have tried creating a boundary and it did not go well; it was not received with the response we wanted. And somewhere in there, we may have decided it was not okay for us to draw boundaries, perhaps we then made up that our job was to let people do whatever they wanted thereby gaining their love & approval and avoiding conflict. Maybe the consequences for not avoiding conflict were severe or at the very least, kind of scary. Maybe we decided that drawing boundaries was for tougher, smarter, more worthy people who were clear what they wanted and had zero fear of asking. And since we are not one of "those" people, we will just have to suck it up and suffer, pretending that it’s okay when it's not.

It reminded me of the movie Wedding Crashers, where Will Ferrell gets a surprise visit from Owen Wilson and he yells at his mom to go make some meatloaf for them. He is in his 40’s, in a bathrobe in the middle of the day, screaming at his mom (in a way only Will Ferrell can) to make him and his friend some meatloaf. And she nods, says yes, and rushes back to the kitchen to get started. 

I laughed wildly at that scene until I realized - OMG! I am meatloaf woman! I have no boundaries! My teenage son is going to end up living in my house at 40 screaming for me to make him lunch as he plays video games in his jammies! Aaaahhh!

It’s been a journey (and very worthwhile) learning how to choose differently and create boundaries. For many of of us, we have to essentially retrain our nervous systems at a cellular level. 

From an AEP perspective, the next step after identifying what drawing a boundary feels like physically in your body (see earlier post about boundaries) is to see if you can remember back to the first time you tried to establish a boundary:

What happened?
How did those around you respond?
What did you want to say that you couldn’t say at the time?

For some, these may occur like trite questions if your memory of establishing a boundary has to do with something deeply traumatic such as physical or sexual abuse. Making a different choice around establishing boundaries as an adult can be a nightmare when there is this level of past trauma. And there is hope. Whether establishing boundaries was traumatic or simply frustrating in the past, by going back to that moment and saying what you could not say, releasing what has never been released, can create tremendous relief and freedom and leave the space open to choose from a different place, a different age. 
 

KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE? ANGER!

As we evolve, many of us are now questioning when we are angry or upset with someone, “Is it really them? Am I mad at them or am I really mad at someone else - myself, my dad, my mom, etc.?” Mentally, we can think to ourselves, “of course it’s not them.” Especially if we consider ourselves “enlightened” then the internal conversation might become, “I am above that, I shouldn’t make it about them when I know better.” And yet, every cell in our body says, “YES it’s them!”  

So what to do?

One of the most valuable things my mentor, Betty Cannon, Ph.D., taught me was that the first step to working through any emotion is to feel what it’s like in your body:

What’s constricted?
Do you have a headache?
Shoulders slumping?
Nausea?
Lump in your throat?

I added on to this and asked myself where is it on a scale of 1-10? If it had a color what would it be? A texture? Maybe an image? 

Instead of resisting the anger, I now try inviting it in. Sometimes I even imagine my inner world as one big party and anger is knocking at the door saying, “I want in! It’s not fair that everyone else gets to come in but me! Why are you leaving me out? I’m tired and I need a drink! I even brought a side dish!” My first reaction for decades when anger came to the door was to shut it tightly, use three deadbolts, turn up the music, get a drink, and pretend I couldn’t hear the knocking. And yet there was part of me that always knew SHE, the angry one, was out there. Waiting. Getting angrier and feeling more alone.

The truth was, I was both afraid and ashamed of her. I was afraid that if I invited her in, she would become out of control, start brawls, break windows, burn the place down. Who knows what she would be capable of if she was really let loose? I was deeply terrified to find out. Somewhere in the past I had let her loose and it did not go well and I vowed never to go there again.

And then there is the shame. It often goes like this, “I shouldn’t be so angry, it’s not what good girls do” or “what’s the matter with you, can’t you just do everything perfectly so that you are never angry? This is all your fault you idiot!” or “that person that I am mad at is justified in what they did to me, I deserve it.” Such fun being human! Such a joy dealing with shame! Actually, Brene Brown, who has wonderful definitions of shame, says something to the effect that true joy (or wholehearted living as she calls it) is only possible when we shed light on our shame. Or maybe, said another way, when we invite it to the party instead of bolting the door.

Point is, next time you find your body wracked with anger, consider inviting it in. Consider opening the door and saying, “okay, come on in, what do you need? Coffee? A drink? A hug?” Sometimes, when I invite anger in, all it says is, “you know, I just want to sit here on the couch, I don’t need anything, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to be in the space, to know that I am okay and included.”

The majority of the time, this practice of inviting the unwanted emotion in brings me immediate relief that I can feel in my body. My stomach releases, my shoulders let go of their tension. And there are times when I actually experience happiness, knowing that my “guest” is taken care of and I can tend to the rest of the party and possibly strike up a conversation with the other parts of me-my joy, my creativity, or my power.