This is a continuation on the conversation about boundaries. Drawing boundaries is a bad idea. From an AEP perspective, this is the kind of decision we make when we are young that we don't even realize we have made. And it runs us.
This how the AEP method can play out:
There was a time when we were very young where we may have tried creating a boundary and it did not go well; it was not received with the response we wanted. And somewhere in there, we may have decided it was not okay for us to draw boundaries, perhaps we then made up that our job was to let people do whatever they wanted thereby gaining their love & approval and avoiding conflict. Maybe the consequences for not avoiding conflict were severe or at the very least, kind of scary. Maybe we decided that drawing boundaries was for tougher, smarter, more worthy people who were clear what they wanted and had zero fear of asking. And since we are not one of "those" people, we will just have to suck it up and suffer, pretending that it’s okay when it's not.
It reminded me of the movie Wedding Crashers, where Will Ferrell gets a surprise visit from Owen Wilson and he yells at his mom to go make some meatloaf for them. He is in his 40’s, in a bathrobe in the middle of the day, screaming at his mom (in a way only Will Ferrell can) to make him and his friend some meatloaf. And she nods, says yes, and rushes back to the kitchen to get started.
I laughed wildly at that scene until I realized - OMG! I am meatloaf woman! I have no boundaries! My teenage son is going to end up living in my house at 40 screaming for me to make him lunch as he plays video games in his jammies! Aaaahhh!
It’s been a journey (and very worthwhile) learning how to choose differently and create boundaries. For many of of us, we have to essentially retrain our nervous systems at a cellular level.
From an AEP perspective, the next step after identifying what drawing a boundary feels like physically in your body (see earlier post about boundaries) is to see if you can remember back to the first time you tried to establish a boundary:
What happened?
How did those around you respond?
What did you want to say that you couldn’t say at the time?
For some, these may occur like trite questions if your memory of establishing a boundary has to do with something deeply traumatic such as physical or sexual abuse. Making a different choice around establishing boundaries as an adult can be a nightmare when there is this level of past trauma. And there is hope. Whether establishing boundaries was traumatic or simply frustrating in the past, by going back to that moment and saying what you could not say, releasing what has never been released, can create tremendous relief and freedom and leave the space open to choose from a different place, a different age.