As someone who works with people going through divorce, I have learned a few things from them about what’s not helpful. They probably aren't telling you because they know you mean well and that you care. So I will tell you:
“You need to get out more, be social, do things...start dating again.” No, they don’t. They don’t “need” to be doing anything. And the pressure you are putting on them to do things they don’t want to do on top of just being able to simply function day-to-day and figure out what they need to do to take basic care of themselves can be overwhelming and anything but helpful. They already have in their own minds a list of things they “should” be doing that they are not and are most likely beating themselves up for it. Any advice, in general, is a bad idea. Don’t do it. Unless solicited, keep it to yourself. Feedback from my clients has taught me that, no matter how well intended, when you give a person going through divorce unsolicited advice, they want to scream. And by all means, don’t suggest online dating services. You have no idea how confronting, depressing, and terrifying the idea of going online again and sifting through the dating apps can be at this point. They are not ready. When they are, you will know.
What IS helpful: Ask questions. “How can I help?” “What do you need from me?” “What would really take care of you right now?” The important part is to realize that they may or may not know the answer to these questions, and let that be okay; figuring out how to truly take care of themselves is actually an important part of the process.
“You’ll get through it.” Yes, they will. And, in the moment they are going through it, it truly doesn’t seem like it so please don’t say it. There is, maybe for the first time in their lives, the thought, “What if I can’t get through this? What if this takes me out? What if I can never function normally again?” This can be frightening. Especially if they have always known themselves to be a strong, capable person. In an age where more than half of us go through divorce and sometimes 2 or 3 times, it does seem easy to say, “...oh, it will pass, you’ll be fine, I got through it too.” Yet, this only further diminishes the experience and, ironically, can leave the person feeling more isolated and like no one gets what they are really going through or ashamed that they aren’t getting through it more gracefully or quickly.
Also, it’s important to consider that often divorce can trigger unconscious stuff about everything from what went on in our own families and traumas we never dealt with to shaking our core beliefs about who we are and what life means to us. You have no idea what might have gotten triggered and the stuff that triggered you might not be the same stuff that triggered them, so you may have no idea what it is they are trying to “get through.”
What IS helpful: Acknowledge their reality. “I know that there doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel and I know I can’t speed that up or force light in there. What I can offer is making sure you know you are not alone and I am here with you and I’m going to keep checking in.” Ask questions. “What was that like for you?” “How did you handle that?” “When that happened to me I felt___________. Is that how you felt?”
Okay, one more...
Nothing. Please don’t do this either. This can hurt the most. So many divorced people I talk with say that one of the most painful things is that when they were going through their divorce, their friends or family disappeared. Stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped inviting. I realize that after the list of things above, you may think to yourself, “Well now I’m afraid to say anything because I might say the wrong thing!” I get it. And please don’t do this. One brilliant thing you can say is exactly what you’re thinking: “I don’t know what to say and I’m afraid I might say the wrong thing and it might not be helpful and I want you to know I’m here, I am thinking about you, and I haven’t gone away.” Reach out. Keep inviting. Even if all of your invitations are turned down, it matters. It makes a difference. An invitation that does not make the person feel bad if they decline could look like: “No obligation to accept this invite as I know you may not be in the mood and taking care of yourself is the priority, and if you want, feel free to meet us at the cafe, even if you are not feeling very social and don’t want to talk a lot and want to just sit there. If you don’t respond to this invite or don’t show up that’s perfectly understandable and I won’t be offended. Just know that I am thinking about you and if that’s okay with you, am going to continue inviting you places even if you don’t accept.”
If you realize you have done any of these things above, especially the “nothing” one, it is NEVER too late to clean this up. I have had clients that years later a friend calls, invites them to coffee, and apologizes for disappearing or saying unhelpful, possibly judgmental, things during their divorce. This can be cathartic for both and bring a tremendous sense of completion. When the divorced person finds out the real reason why you avoided them (that it wasn’t about choosing sides and choosing their spouse over them, you just didn’t know what to say) or judged them (because I was being a jackass and had stuff going on in my own relationship I didn’t know how to deal with), it can be like a weight lifted off their shoulders and yours. Give it a try. If you don’t have any relationship right now anyway, what have you got to lose?
Shannon M Harrison is a therapist who works with people going through divorce from pre-filing to having been divorced many years. Support groups and individual counseling available as well as online options. shannonmharrison.com or email shannon@shannonhmharrison.com